when it all comes down to a sunrise on the east side...

Lately I've been randomly bursting into tears for absolutely no reason.
I'm not trying to be emo, at all. I'm just saying. Its really weird and kind of annoying. I mean... okay, Grey's is a sad show sometimes, but is it really necessary for me to cry during pretty much every single episode? I'll tell you the answer to that. Absolutely not.

Whatever.

I'm feeling stressed just about to the breaking point and I can't really figure out why. Yes, my job is kind of stressful. But... actually, fuck that. That was stupid. I make coffee. COFFEE. That's all. And no, it isn't as easy as some might think but really, it shouldn't be stressful. At all. But it is.

I miss my mom a lot and that's stressing me out.

The day that I get to bring Charlie home is the 5th anniversary of my Grandma dying. 9/17. My mind = blown.

Its time for another tattoo.

I ordered "In Defense of Food" from Amazon yesterday. Along with Chihuahuas for Dummies. =) But I heard good things about it, and I've been epically failing at reading lately. I have about 5 books on my nightstand that I got halfway through and stopped. Its really kind of pissing me off, its very unlike me. So I'm hoping I'll find this one interesting. Not that I'm a big health nut but... its something I've been thinking more about lately.

This is complete rambling nonsense and I'm going to bed now.

dead serious

I think my insomnia is beginning to rear its ugly head again... SO LAME.

The good news is, a lot of things on that list down there are kind of coming to fruition, and I actually have lots of things to do and people I have plans to reconnect with this week. I'm looking forward to it. I think that in my haste to get out of RIC and start over I pushed everyone away indiscriminately.. which was really not the best decision I've ever made, but I think it was necessary at the time. The point is, I'm excited to have some people back in my life. I finally feel like I'm doing a good job at surrounding myself with good eggs.

I think one of my priorities in the next week or so is going to be to really make myself start reading again.. I feel so unproductive with my free time lately and it bums me out. But doing the 4AM gig makes it really hard to be productive with my afternoons and I need to figure out a way to change that.

Case in point, its 8:49PM and my eyes are going blurry trying to type right now... Goodnight.

fit as a fucking fiddle

-reconnect with select people from RIC... there are some that deserve much more effort than i've given them in the past year.
-make friends rather than acquaintances with the people that live in my building
-send a letter to Dan in England before its too late
-go to a Hanson show with Deabenderber =)

and -

I forgot one:
-get my "grammy tattoo" to match alex's. "all is well" with the dates 9.17.04 and 3.15.09 on either side of it.

to do list for 2009

Its almost the end of June and I feel like I have accomplished nothing this year. Work is taking over my life and I've become pretty stagnant... and I want to have fun. So here's what I'm going to accomplish in the next 6 months:

-spend a day in Provincetown/go on a whale watch
-take a day trip to Newport to see the mansions
-get Lucy fixed
-figure out how to get tv in my apartment
-finish reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
-actually do the research on Buddhism that I've been talking about for 2 years
-get into a routine that includes going for a walk at least 3 times a week
-start writing every day, whether its here or on paper
-join the beer club at Wickenden Pub
-figure out what I'm doing about school instead of just continuing to talk about it
-start paying mom back for my car/apartment
-visit Jenny in Hawaii (this might have to be a bit of a longer-term goal)
-learn how to navigate downtown Providence with confidence
-become a shift supervisor at waybux
-go to the zoo. more than once.
-go to as many Pats games as possible without going bankrupt
-get back in touch with Prof Z
-watch more good movies
-have some semblance of a savings account again
-learn how to cook fish

I think that's a good start.

saturday night?

I've been realizing lately that inspiration has been coming in the most random of ways. That phrase down there, "saturated with jealousy..." that was something someone said to me in a complete sarcastic tone just kind of joking around. But something about the phrasing really stuck with me and I started dissecting the word "saturation." I've found that if I keep writing a word and what I think of in relation to it I usually end up with something completely different and kind of random and maybe not quite related to the word at all... I don't know. I'm kind of off in tangent city.

These pieces spring from the tips of my eyelashes
And cover the pavement beneath me
Complete and total saturation
of every part of my being
I exhale you and breath you back in
I am filled
I am everywhere and nowhere
You are nothing and everything
I step over and around the puddles on the pavement
Avoiding, distancing, holding my breath
But you surround every piece
You wrap yourself around my little finger
Into my ear drum
Between my lips and into my throat
Saturated
You lodge yourself there and appear on the tip of my tongue
I am a prisoner
I am infatuated
I am powerless and you take me over
Giving everything and nothing
Saturating me.

I feel like that is not finished. But its all I have for now.

"saturated with jealousy"
i want to remember that

nights at prospect park

Oh, hey. I'm back. And trying really hard to break this crazy writer's block thing I've had for months now. This I wrote in April.

The city lights are telling me my future,
each one a small crystal ball
with a piece inside.
Each one waiting for me
to break it open and grab hold of what it contains.
Begging me to hold on tight,
hold on with both hands,
And never loosen my grasp.
They are keeping me from falling.
I come so close,
leaning over the city's edge
Half of my body careening into that darkness
And maybe never making it out.
They are anchoring me to the rock
Keeping me, protecting me
Pulling my feet back to Earth
the moment they start to leap.
I fear without the city lights
I would be too far gone
Never able to make it back to you.
I fear I would lose myself forever
Lose you, forever.
I want to keep you forever.
Take you down from the skyline
and put you in my pocket.
I'll bring you along to light my day
And keep me safe at night.